Discussing sex and sexual issues with teenagers can be a daunting task, especially for parents. The way media venues depict sex and sexuality has shaped societal perceptions and created an openness that was much more muted when I was a young woman. When my daughter was getting ready to enter middle school I felt we needed to have a discussion on the ramifications and risks associated with sex. My daughter had already told me about a fourteen year old girl she knew was pregnant and that a thirteen year old peer who had already had an STD twice. This last bit of information had been garnered in the sex education curriculum the school district used as part of 'health' in the sixth grade for children whose parents gave permission for their child to attend the class.
Opening and sustaining a shared dialog between teens and a parent is paramount as, developmentally and emotionally, most teens are somewhere between adolescence and adulthood no matter what their chronological age. Serious discussions, especially concerning peers or social-emotional issues must be approached carefully. The key is to not alienate teenagers by minimizing the value of their knowledge or experience, to be casual rather than demanding, not to lecture, and to include them in the discussion. Parents need to listen as well as talk no matter what the topic of a discussion is they are having with their sons and daughters.
To make sure I was well informed and able to take on this task I did research on the Internet and at the local public library. I garnered information from the local chapter of Planned Parenthood and the County Health Department. I got statistics on teen pregnancy, single parents, and other data from the Kansas Kids Count book. All states collect statistical data by city, county, township, and provide that data through some kind of written source. At that point I felt ready to sit down and attempt to talk to my daughter, hoping she wouldn't be too embarrassed to talk with her 'mother'.
I waited until my son, who was ten at the time, was on a camping trip with his Boy Scout troop. My husband worked second shift and was at work. I was watching a movie with my daughter on television and I casually introduced the subject of boys, asking if she had a boyfriend. I was well aware that parents are often the last to know when a child has her first boyfriend. Although my daughter did not have a boyfriend yet, she added that she didn't want a boyfriend because guys expected the girl to give up all her friends, didn't want them to have other regular friends who were boys, and just wanted sex, whether that was oral sex or physical copulation. She had learned this from a close girlfriend who was dealing with her first boyfriend and who had confided in my daughter, needing someone to talk to.
This was the opening I had been waiting for. First I told my daughter that I wasn't trying to insinuate she had engaged in heavy petting or sex, and I wasn't trying to lecture, that I simply wanted to make sure she had the tools and knowledge needed if she were ever attracted to a guy physically or emotionally. I told her to jump in and correct me if she felt I were wrong or misguided about anything, to let me know if I was making her feel uncomfortable, and to share any information that she might have since my intent was not to lecture or coerce.
I talked about the lengths many boys would go to get physical which included telling the girl he loved her and would never cheat on her and if she loved him she would engage in a sexual act with him, or threatening to break up with the girl if she would not give in to his sexual advances. My daughter added that a peer had also suffered through the experience of having a guy tell his friends and male peers at school that they had "oral sex", an act which had not even taken place.
This in turn led to a discussion on how a girl might respond to a similar situation. I gave my sympathy for what the other girl was going through by stating that this lie had to be very painful for the girl. I also explained that many guys, during their teen years often liked to brag about their conquests whether real or implied, in order to convince peers of their sexual prowess. We discussed some options my daughter's friend might take, which included ignoring the guy and any of his friends who might make advances or snide remarks, to tell the guy that she feels sorry that he has to lie in order to feel important, or tell him she is not even going to dignify his lie with a response.
My daughter responded that if it happened to her she'd tell the guy loudly and in front of his friends, "maybe in your dreams" with heavy sarcasm. This was a good example of teenage bravado, something that could hold my daughter and other teens in good stead. I agreed that creating embarrassment for a young man might work. By having a mutual and open dialog from the very beginning, I was able to interject a plethora of information. My daughter added little tidbits and asked some very intelligent questions.
At one point I stressed to my daughter that I hoped she would wait until marriage and that I was not condoning sexual activity outside of marriage. I added that I was aware that I would have no control over any decision she would eventually make regarding any sexual activity or when she chose to become sexually active and that my main goal was to prepare her for that eventuality. We talked about different sexually transmitted diseases and their symptoms, although the kids in the community had received some of that information during sex education.
My daughter brought up the subject of peers who took alternate precautions to avoid an unwanted pregnancy because the male did not want to wear a prophylactic. I was then able to let her know that the sexual 'myths' that many uninformed teens believe are a complete fallacy. Those myths included using the rhythm method would dramatically decrease the odds of an unwanted pregnancy, as would having the young man pull out of the girl's body before ejaculating, and finding out when the fertile part of the girl's cycle using body temperature, etc. to make sure they did not engage in sex during that period of time.
I was asked about oral sex and if the act was sex, per se? My response was that yes, this was a sexual act that served to protect the guy from having a girl get pregnant, but that it is degrading to the girl and disrespectful. The girl could still get STDs like herpes and Chlamydia and AIDS, as could the guy, depending on how promiscuous both parties had been in the past. It was through the discussion on oral sex that I learned that quite a large number of my daughter's peers were engaging in that sexual act as a way to "pleasure their boyfriends and not get pregnant."
I talked to my daughter, and later, my son, about the different kinds of love including infatuation, hormonal, lust, love for someone of the opposite sex that was non-sexual, and the deep emotional love that comes with the maturity of adulthood. I explained that a relationship, at any age, can rarely be sustained for any length of time if it is built primarily on sex, which was also one major reason many relationships end up in divorce court or separation and abandonment if the couple is not married.
Last, I asked my daughter to consider weighing any future decisions she might consider regarding sex very carefully, considering all the pros and cons. To use protection as a means of avoiding STDs and to combine the use of a prophylactic with a foam or other contraceptive as a prophylactic can be, or become damaged. I also told her I knew she would never come to me with the information that she was going to engage in sex but that I would let her then twenty-six year old half sister know that she had my permission to help her get birth control pills at that time. I did include the information that abstinence is the only guarantee she wouldn't get an STD or get pregnant.
Few teens will tell a parent of any intentions to engage in sexual activity. That would be too invasive and too "not cool", and could jeopardize the parent/child relationship and parental nurturing which is very important to a teenager, although they might not admit it out loud. And it's an unspoken awareness that most parents, like myself, wouldn't want to know. But at least I knew that I had prepared my daughter for most eventualities and that the choice, in the end, would be hers.
copyright 2008
Jerrie DeRose - Early Childhood Education Consultant
