One of the biggest challenges baby boomers face; Mom and Dad are becoming frail and can no longer live safely on their own. They tell you that they are not going to move. Now what can you do?
It is very difficult for aging seniors to face the fact they are unable to maintain living independently at home. This can be frustrating to adult children who are worried about their parents or other elderly relative's safety and well being. Adult children often have to start providing more and more assistance as their parents or elderly relatives become increasingly frail. This causes problems for working caregivers as well as for their employers. Problems of unexpected absenteeism, workday interruptions, supervision cost, unpaid leave, reduction of hours affect employees as well as the employers of "Boomers". According to an extensive study by MetLife, reported in 2004, adult child caregivers cost employers an estimated $2110-$2441 per employee.
In addition, whatever plans established for elder-care can quickly unravel with a change in health status or unexpected absence of a paid caregiver. For example, Janet and her brother were both sharing the responsibility of their elderly mother and suddenly both had to be out of town during the same week. "Within two days we had to find other arrangements for Mom." "It was an overwhelming nightmare." "The worst part was my brother and I ended up in a huge argument."
10 Tips on How to Approach this Topic with Your Mom or Dad:
1. First assess what your parent's needs are. Are they able to maintain interior/exterior care of their home? Are they eating nutritious meals? Are they still able to drive? Are they occasionally isolated and lonely? Do they uphold their own agreements?
2. Plan ahead and start early with discussions of options. Mom is more open to a discussion if you say "In the future if you ever need more help would you want to move to an independent retirement community or would you prefer to get help at home?" If you already have a few options in mind if and/or when a crisis occurs you and your parent are not only more prepared but the parent will be more accepting of the change.
3. Couples can often manage in their own home longer than singles. Often they help each other out. One may still be driving or able to still handle the financial affairs. The average age for needing some help is eighty-three. Options range from getting help in the home to independent or assisted living communities.
4. Mobilize during a crisis. If they end up in the emergency room or with a hospital stay use the momentum of the situation to help your elderly parent see that it is time for a change.
5. Don't give up. If during your first discussion mom and dad don't want to talk about this tell them you still want to talk about it. Ask them to think about it and bring it up again and again until you can flush out major objections to the change. Janet said, "I listened to my mom's concerns about moving because the monthly cost. Once I knew this we sat down and focused on her financial situation. We found with all the amenities it was going to be about the same cost as staying at home with live in help."
6. Be honest about your feelings, capacity to help and your own concerns. Be respectful and caring as you discuss how your own children need your time and attention. Be open about what help you can provide and what help you cannot. Be understanding but firm when presenting your concerns.
7. Start touring independent living communities. No one will ever want to move if they don't see it first. It can really reduce resistance once they see how nice come of the senior living places are. If you are short on time adult children should look at several and pick out two or three that mom and dad might like best. Then take your parents to see them. It is easy to bridge into a conversation on which community they like best.
8. Communicate to them how you can help with all aspects of the move. The whole idea and the process of moving is overwhelming. They know it is beyond their current capacity to facilitate on their own. Senior move managers such as Paxem,Inc. help adult children and seniors from start to finish with the entire moving project.
9. Focus on keeping positive with your siblings or other involved family members. This can be difficult as you may feel like not everyone is doing his or her share of involvement. Hopefully you are doing what you are doing because you want to help your parent. Not everyone will be involved at the same level and you may need to accept that, ask for specific help at times or hire out for certain services.
10. Remember they are still your parents are not children. As adults, they do not like being "told" what to do or facing change. As long as they have the cognitive skills, it remains up to them and is their decision. In summary, remain positive and be persistent as in negotiating any challenge. Your parents need to be able to maintain their dignity while accepting their newly acquired limitations. It is a difficult but important skill to manage for both of you.
http://ASilverConnection.Com is a free "coast to coast" Elder Care Referral Service. A Silver Connection is dedicated to helping employers of Adult Children of elderly parents stay focused at work by providing a wide array of consultative services. A Silver Connection does this by providing a free "Senior Care Consultant" that can help them identify the array of senior living or care options saving them hours of time and reducing the stress of finding appropriate elder-care services. Pat O'Dea-Evans, RN, MS, LCPC is an expert on Elder-Care and Geriatric Care Manager for http://Paxem.com the largest Senior Move Management company in Illinois. She can be reached at 866-421-8266 or Pat.ODea@Paxem.com
